Red Skies

Hmmm...you're right, sounds sort of....meh. *fixes*

“Kohan?” I jumped and spun around to face the five year old girl behind me. My heart pounded against my rib cage and my skin itched from the sudden fright.

I have absolutely no idea what this is about.

Nice, only a few errors in content + mechanics. Myth pretty much corrected everything I wanted to say.

....Please? ='[

Chapter Two finished! Please comment to death!!!

Chapter Two –

I stared at Sanji’s black pants, the silence weighing down on me like a sack of flour. Sanji was staring at Lilli’s purple dress, who was in turn staring at Pa. We all had nothing to say. Mama and Calman were sitting across from each other, at the heads of the table. Next to Mama was Lilli, then me. Between Sanji and I sat Zinthia, playing with her night clothes.

How jealous I was of her. Young, carefree, and no one cared what she wore at the table. Like her night clothes, for example.

Suddenly Mama’s voice broke through the air, causing everyone to jump.

“Where’s Nian?” She asked, her eyes widening. Jumping to her feet before we could say anything, she was out of the room and up the stairs like lightning.

“I’d better go get the healer.” Lilli sighed.

“And I’ll get the wet cloths. Sanji, take Zin outside for some fresh air.” I pushed back my seat wearily.

“Oh no. Zinthia will not go outside until she has proper clothes on.” Calman snapped angrily, walking past me. Just before he walked out Mama rushed back in, looking terribly stressed.

“Nian’s sick! Get the healer, Lilli-“

“She already left to do that.”

“Oh. Go get some wet cloths-“

“I’m leaving to do that.”

“Then, Sanji, take Zin-“

“Told him to do that.”

Mama gazed around the room, looking dumfounded.

“Well, Calman, come with me.” She said briskly, turning and walking out of the room. Pa followed her like a duckling.

And just as soon as they left Nian came trudging into the room. Her black hair hid her eyes, and her sickly pale skin looked yellow in the torchlight. She was the shortest in our family, not having our parents genes like the rest of us.

“Nian, Mama’s gonna freak when she finds out your not in your room.” I sighed. Sure enough a loud scream erupted the house.

“Where’s Nian? Where is she!” Nian gave me a twisted grin, one of her grey eyes showing through the curtain of hair proved great amusement.

“Stop wandering around.” I grabbed her hand and started dragging her back upstairs. Mama was in her room, flailing around like a lost chicken.

“Nian!” She cried, pulling my younger sister into a hug. “Get in bed, you’ll get sicker! Ko, hurry up and get those cloths! Where is Calman? Tell him to get in here!” I dipped my head.

“Yes Ma’am.” I turned and trotted out of the room before I could start laughing.

As I was wringing out the cloth Lilli stopped by my side.

“Well, the healer says Nian will be fine. Just needs some more rest and fresh air. Do you and Sanji want to go out riding with me? Apparently we’re not having breakfast any more.”

“Well, sure, I think Sanji wouldn’t mind. But what about Zin? She’ll want to come.” I filled up a bowl with water, draped the cloth over my shoulder, and started trudging back upstairs.

“She can come too, I guess. But she’ll have to ride with one of us.” Lilli sighed and followed me.

“I have a feeling I know which one of us she’ll pick.” I smirked. I placed the bowl besides Nian’s bed. Her elbows were propped up on the window ledge, her hands cradling her head as she stared out at the forest. Mama and the healer were whispering to each other, they didn’t even glance at me when I walked in.

“Here Nian.” I held out the cloth for her.

“I don’t want it.” She frowned but didn’t take her gaze away from the trees. I sighed.

“Mama will be angry with you if you don’t.” I whispered.

“No she won’t, Ma’s never angry at me.” I almost hit her.

But it was true.

Because of her sickness she got away with the most terrible things. Things that she enjoyed doing. Like wandering outside at night, or just walking around the building. Hiding and causing Mama grief. Oh, how she enjoyed making problems. And she always got away with it.

“Just take it.” I growled through clenched teeth, shoving it in her hands and walking out. “I’m going to kill her someday.” I muttered at Lilli, who giggled.

“Oh, I’ve already tried.” She shrugged, still giggling, and darted down the hallway. “Come on, Ko!” And she was down the stairs. I muttered nonsense and ran after her.

~~~~~~

“Here you go, Zin.” Sanji chuckled, picking her up so she could lean over and stroke the horse. She stood still eying the humans around her. Lilli gave her a quick pat before turning her attention to her own horse, Quidet. Stroking his nose lovingly, she started combing out his mane with her fingers.

“I wanna ride Nasc!” Zinthia bounced in Sanji’s arms, and he glanced at me for approval. I nodded, and he squeezed the little girl.

“We’ll ride Nasc, then!” He put her on the ground and she ran off to find the horse’s stall. I raised my eyebrows at Sanji as he shrugged and walked after her, his hands behind his head. He dared a glance in Lilli’s direction before calling for Zinthia to wait up.

My own horse was Dawn. I had raised her from a filly, and Calman had helped too.

That was before Papa died. Before his heart turned cold. I swallowed and shoved the memories away. They wouldn’t help.

Everyone was tacked quickly, and Lilli surprised us with a small basket of food she had cooked.

“I wanted to go on a picnic.” She smiled. “I’ve seen a field, full of flowers. It would be a wonderful place to have a picnic, especially on a day like this.” We all agreed.

But as we were leaving I felt someone watching us. Turning my head I saw Calman watching us from a window. I was too far away to see what emotion might be lurking in his gaze.

It didn’t take long; a couple minutes. Zinthia, who was sitted at the from of Nasc’s saddle, was kept busy by Sanji. Lilli and I chatted about random things. The weather, how Nian was such a nuisance, what should we offer the cook’s to make for dinner. Random, happy things. And yet something was nudging the back of my mind. I just wouldn’t let it in. But the bigger my grin, the louder I laughed, it still grew insistently.

When we had our horses tied up, Lilli spread out a blanket and set the basket down.

“Before we eat I need to tell you guys something.” She said, pulling her legs against her chest. She knew that no manners were needed here. We all stopped talking and transferred our attention to her. She took a deep breath, looking around uncertainly.

“I…I think Calman is planning to kill Mother.” We all exchanged looks, except for Zinthia, who stared at her hands. “I walked into his room to talk to him but he wasn’t there. He left a notebook lying open, and I couldn’t help but just glance at it. It said ‘I must be patient; timing is everything. Mother has started to suspect me but that is of no matter. She will be gone by the time she can prove anything. About the others…I’ll need to hide her’ – and then it stops.”

“He’s planning on hiding her what?” I asked. Lilli shrugged.

“How do I know? But listen guys, don’t tell anyone.” She whispered, leaning forward.

“But what if he’s actually-“ Sanji’s cry was cut off by Lilli’s hand. After a second she pulled it off his mouth and glanced around nervously.

“I’m not sure. I just said I think. Who knows what he can be talking about? Anything, really!” We all looked around as if expecting my older brother to jump out of the forest at any minute.

“He was watching us while we were leaving…” Sanji muttered. So he noticed too!

“Well, come on, let’s just enjoy the meal. We’ll deal with it later. Right now I think we should make the best of sunny days. The old mage in town says gloomy days lie ahead.” Lilli smiled and opened the basket.

Again we started laughing and smiling, but this time I could tell we were all faking it. A dark shadow hung over our heads now. We just had to trust each other to keep the secret.

I glanced at Zinthia. She was being abnormally quiet for her usual, jumpy self. While we went to get the horses I picked her up and started trailing behind the other two.

“You aren’t going to tell any body, right Zin?” I whispered in her ear. Her head bobbed up and down.

“I won’t tell no one, not even Mama.” She said defiantly. I nodded and put her down. I was a little uncertain, but there was nothing I could do except keep watch over her.

The ride back was a little better. We took the long way back, under Sanji’s suggestion. We started talking about random things again, and we didn’t have to fake laughs any more. The annoying tugging at the back of my mind went away. The horses seemed happier, and every once in a while we would start racing. Zinthia clung to the horses mane and laughing so hard she was crying, with Sanji practically falling off. Lilli would continue to urge Quidet faster, but it was Dawn who always won. She was the youngest, and her legs were always a bit longer than they should be. Papa, Calman, and I had always wanted to enter her in a race, but Mama stopped us.

“Racing is for brutes. Besides, who would ride her? Calman and Kohan are too young, too tall, and you are much too old and too large for her! With all this nonsense that you want, we’ll be poor before no time!” Papa would laugh and run his hands through his black hair.

“Look around, Amerra, my darling. We are royalty! You need not worry about becoming a peasant.”

Oh, what I would sometimes give to travel to the past.

Okay, Chapter One finished

Chapter One –
“Valeria!” She was standing only a few feet away from me. I could see her black silky hair and I reached out to stroke it. But the crowd of people passed between us and I had to jerk my hand away. “Valeria! Val!” I called, my voice growing into a loud shout and then a desperate whine. She wasn’t replying back. It was absolutely silent, and yet my head was buzzing angrily. Trying to shake the noise away, I shoved myself through the crowd, trying to follow the black head high above it. Because she was tall, like Mama and Papa.

And suddenly she started to grow taller and taller, her body thinning out until it disappeared completely. Another whine escaped my throat and then I was engulfed in the crowd. But it wasn’t a crowd of people anymore. They had all turned into water, into a vast, blue valley. I thrashed and twisted, but the water pulled me down like gravity.

I opened my mouth to scream, to yell for Papa and Mama. They would come and help me. But the water swelled into my lungs, and it started fading into black.

“Ko!” A voice screamed. One filled with tears and fear. Turning over onto my back I opened my eyes slightly.

“Val…?” I murmured drowsily, blinking slowly. I opened my eyes completely. Zinthia was curled up at the end of the bed, her small body rocking back and forth, her head buried in her arms. Sitting up I tugged on one of her curls. “Zin? Zin, what’s wrong?” I asked. My voice sounded heavy and muffled, like I had a pillow over my face.

“M-Mama…” She sobbed, clutching my arm with both hands. I looked around and found that Teddy had been dropped onto the floor.

“No, no, Honey. Mama can’t come right n-“

“She’s going to die!” At the word die every ounce of me woke up.

“What? Don’t say that Zinny. Mama is perfectly fine.” I wrapped my arms around the shaking body and kissed her nose. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying so hard. She opened her mouth but I quieted her and looked out the window. The sun was just coming up over the mountains that were in the distance. “Come on.” I tickled her stomach and she squirmed away, but giggled none-the-less.

Smiling I slipped onto the cold wooden floor and pulled her out of the bed. She grabbed the bear and started sucking on his ear; one of her baby habits that she hadn’t gotten out of.

“You’re six, aren’t you a little too old for doing that?” I asked, and she shook her head vigorously, the bear being whipped side to side along with her. “Alright, alright.” I glanced around, then clasped my hand around her own and pushed through the door. Checking that everything was clear I jogged down the hallway, her feet scurrying besides me. At the stairs I lifted her up and placed her on the railing, jumping in behind her, and pushed off.

Knowing the routine she let out a quiet giggle, but nothing more. If Calman found us we would be dead, he told us before that he wouldn’t tolerate us ruining the things that cost money. Papa had always let us slide down the railings. Sometimes he even joined in.

Grinning I steered Zinthia with me, leaning to the right at a curve and just before the railing ended I picked Zinthia up yet again and slid cleanly off, landing on my feet before tumbling backwards. We both fell to the ground laughing, but a small cough made me freeze up immediately.

“Didn’t we already discuss this? You aren’t allowed to do that without me!” I sat up and sighed in relief at the sight of my friend.

“Sanji!” Zinthia screeched with joy, leaping to her feet and hugging him. He put a hand on her shoulder and smiled at me.

“I came over to visit. Heard you had some mighty good food over here.” He eyed me, his eyebrows arching upwards. “Nice outfit.” He commented, and I looked down. I still had my brown sleeping pants on, with a messy white shirt. I had forgotten to change.

“Oh, I’d better go change before-“

“Planning to eat breakfast looking like a peasant?” I nearly bit my tongue off. Turning my head slightly I tried not to show my fear.

“No, I just forgot to change.” I said stiffly, narrowing my eyes. Pa’s hair was blonde, like Mama’s. It had been combed back cleanly. The sight of it made me want to rip it all out. He opened his mouth but before he could say anything I twisted sharply and leaped up the stairs two at a time. Dropping onto my bed I buried my face in the sheets and screamed.

I screamed until my throat hurt, and then I sat up and felt like a little girl. Trying to push that away I punched the pillow a couple times before getting to my feet and grabbing the clothes the maid had lined up for me. Papa had been king, and Mama was queen. After Papa died my brother tried to take the throne. But with Mama still alive he could not unless she died and left it for him. But she did not have to choose him, she could pick between the three oldest. That was Calman, Lilli, and me. But she could not make that decision until she was dead. So for now, Pa took the throne.

His name was not Pa. It was Calman. But he insisted we call him Papa.

We all call him Pa.

“Kohan?” Sanji peeked into my room and then walked in uncertainly. “Your mother told me to get you. Breakfast is waiting.” I didn’t even look at him. Pulling my pants up my legs I stared outside. My room overlooked the village, and already it was bustling with life. The sun was just above the mountains now. I couldn’t wait to get away from this dreaded castle.

“When are you planning on leaving?” I asked, buttoning my shirt up.

“Oh, er, but your mother hasn’t…said…”

“When are you leaving?” I repeated, turning to look at him. He shrugged. Sighing I brushed past him and into the hallway. He kept pace with me.

“Why? Your mother hasn’t said you can go yet. Did she?” I shook my head and turned the corner, almost running into Lilli. She was the exact image of Mama, except she had bangs that hid her forehead. Her mouth was hidden behind her hand as it opened wide to yawn, and one of her closed eyes opened to look at me.

“Oh, Ko. You’re still going on about that traveling idea?” She rolled her eyes and I ignored her, turning back to Sanji. But his face had turned red and he was staring at Lilli but I could tell he was trying to turn away.

Ever since I could remember, Sanji had a crush on my older sister. It was really annoying at times, like now. Hastily I shoved him down the hall, but she followed.

“You know Pa will never let you go.” She giggled and I could feel my shoulder muscles tense up in anger.

“But Mama will, and that’s what makes the difference.” I snapped at her, before turning sharply and leaving Sanji at the top of the stairs with her. I couldn’t hear her talking about that, Mama was my only hope.

My thoughts trailed back to this morning.

“She’s going to die!” I shuddered at the thought.

Zinthia was the cutest girl I had ever seen. Her cheeks were just red enough, her eyes the right shade of brown to melt your heart.

But she wasn’t cuter than Valeria.

Everything is awesome, but I'd like to add one small crit. In the beginning you said that Zinthia was the cutest girl in the world, and half a paragraph later you said that Valeria was cuter.

its really good theres not much more that i can say keep up the good work (love jack)

“Valeria!” She was standing only a few feet away from me. I could see her black silky hair and I reached out to stroke it. But the crowd of people passed between us and I had to jerk my hand away. “Valeria! Val!” I called, my voice growing into a loud shout and then a desperate whine. She wasn’t replying back. It was absolutely silent, and yet my head was buzzing angrily. Trying to shake the noise away, I shoved myself through the crowd, trying to follow the black head high above it. Because she was tall, like Mama and Papa.

And suddenly she started to grow taller and taller, her body thinning out until it disappeared completely. Another whine escaped my throat and then I was engulfed in the crowd. But it wasn’t a crowd of people anymore. They had all turned into water, into a vast, blue valley. I thrashed and twisted, but the water pulled me down like gravity.

I opened my mouth to scream, to yell for Papa and Mama. They would come and help me. But the water swelled into my lungs, and it started fading into black.

“Ko!” A voice screamed. One filled with tears and fear. Turning over onto my back I opened my eyes slightly.

“Val…?” I murmured drowsily, blinking slowly. I opened my eyes completely. Zinthia was curled up at the end of the bed, her small body rocking back and forth, her head buried in her arms. Sitting up I tugged on one of her curls. “Zin? Zin, what’s wrong?” I asked. My voice sounded heavy and muffled, like I had a pillow over my face.

“M-Mama…” She sobbed, clutching my arm with both hands. I looked around and found that Teddy had been dropped onto the floor.

“No, no, Honey. Mama can’t come right n-“

“She’s going to die!” At the word die every ounce of me woke up.

“What? Don’t say that Zinny. Mama is perfectly fine.” I wrapped my arms arounded the shaking body and kissed her nose. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying so hard. She opened her mouth but I quieted her and looked out the window. The sun was just coming up over the mountains that were in the distance. “Come on.” I tickled her stomach and she squirmed away, but giggled none-the-less.

Smiling I slipped onto the cold wooden floor and pulled her out of the bed. She grabbed the bear and started sucking on his ear; one of her baby habits that she hadn’t gotten out of.

“You’re six, aren’t you a little too old for doing that?” I asked, and she shook her head vigourisly, the bear being whipped side to side along with her. “Alright, alright.” I glanced around, then clasped my hand around her own and pushed through the door. Checking that the hallway was clear I jogged down the hallway, her feet scurrying besides me. At the stairs I lifted her up and placed her on the railing, jumping in behind her, and pushed off.

Knowing the routine she let out s quiet giggle, but nothing more. If Calman found us we would be dead, he told us before that he wouldn’t tolerate us ruining the things that cost money. Papa had always let us slide down the railings. Sometimes he even joined in.

Grinning I steered Zinthia with me, leaning to the right at a curve and just before the railing ended I picked Zinthia up yet again and slid cleanly off, landing on my feet before tumbling backwards. We both fell to the ground laughing, but a small cough made me freeze up immediately.

“Didn’t we already discuss this? You aren’t allowed to do that without me!” I sat up and sighed in relief at the sight of my friend.

“Sanji!” Zinthia screeched with joy, leaping to her feet and hugging him. He put a hand on her shoulder and smiled at me.

“I came over to visit. Heard you had some mighty good food over here.” He eyed me, his eyebrows arching upwards. “Nice outfit.” He commented, and I looked down. I still had my brown sleeping pants on, with a messy white shirt. I had forgotten to change.

“Oh, I’d better go change before-“

“Planning to eat breakfast looking like a peasant?” I nearly bit my tongue off. Turning my head slightly I tried not to show my fear.

“No, I just forgot to change.” I said stiffly, narrowing my eyes. Pa’s hair was blonde, like Mama’s. It had been combed back cleanly. The sight of it made me want to rip it all out. He opened his mouth but before he could say anything I twisted sharply and leaped up the stairs two at a time. Dropping onto my bed I buried my face in the sheets and screamed.

I screamed until my throat hurt, and then I sat up and felt like a little girl. Trying to push that away I punched the pillow a couple times before getting to my feet and grabbing the clothes the maid had lined up for me. Papa had been king, and Mama was queen. After Papa died my brother tried to take the throne. But with Mama still alive he could not unless she died and left it for him. But she did not have to choose him, she could pick between the three oldest. That was Calman, Lilli, and me. But she could not make that decision until she was dead. So for now, Pa took the throne.

His name was not Pa. It was Calman. But he insisted we call him Papa.

We all call him Pa.

“Kohan?” Sanji peeked into my room and then walked in uncertainly. “Your mother told me to get you. Breakfast is waiting.” I didn’t even look at him. Pulling my pants up my legs I stared outside. My room overlooked the village, and already it was bustling with life. The sun was just above the mountains now. I couldn’t wait to get away from this dreaded castle.

“When are you planning on leaving?” I asked, buttoning my shirt up.

“Oh, er, but your mother hasn’t…said…”

“When are you leaving?” I repeated, turning to look at him. He shrugged. Sighing I brushed past him and into the hallway. He kept pace with me.

“Why? Your mother hasn’t said you can go yet. Did she?” I shook my head and turned the corner, almost running into Lilli. She was the exact image of Mama, except she had bangs that hid her forehead. Her mouth was hidden behind her hand as it opened wide to yawn, and one of her closed eyes opened to look at me.

“Oh, Ko. You’re still going on about that traveling idea?” She rolled her eyes and I ignored her, turning back to Sanji. But his face had turned red and he was staring at Lilli but I could tell he was trying to turn away.

Ever since I could remember, Sanji had a crush on my older sister. It was really annoying at times, like now. Hastily I shoved him down the hall, but she followed.

Yes, I do have more, but it is currently in editing e_e

I like the story, and the characters seem very developed. I like all the little things that really add to the big picture.

Do you have any more?

RR*

Guess who's back?

*

Green = Comment/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

I crouched low to the stone floor. At the moment it felt more like ice, causing the cold to cut into my bare feet and drive up my leg.

Shivering, I pressed closer to the wall and tried to listen, but all I could hear was the murmur of voices. Castle walls are extremely thick; and so are their doors, I have learned from the past 13 years of living here.

Inching forward I pressed my ear to the crack between the door and door frame. I caught a few words.

My brother came out next, his bolder figure looking awkward and clumsy besides Mama.

“Kohan?” I jumped and spun around to face the five year old girl behind me. My heart pounded against my rib cage and my skin itched from the sudden fright.

Looking back I swooped her up into my strong arms and started walking down the hallway.

It had been mine before, and before that it had been Lilli’s-my seventeen year old sister.

But she wasn’t cuter than Valeria. No one was.

I closed my eyes and breathed in. The air had suddenly turned to glue at the thought of her.

Unlike our ancestors before us, we had an acceptionally small family. Calman- twenty five, Lilli- seventeen, me- thirteen, Nian- twelve, and Zinthia- five. Only five people. Mama was the sister of six boys and three girls, and Papa’s family was even larger. He had seven brothers and nine sisters.

I stopped abruptly, almost passing my room. I crept inside and slid Zinthia under the covers, before snaking in besides her.

I must say I am impressed. I can't remember whether or not I could write this well at age thirteen, but that is irrelevent. You definitely have me interested, and I would like to get to know these characters better. The plot will probably pick up as well once the story gets moving, so I (as usual) have no complaints. Good job!

After thirteen years of living there, she would know that you can't hear anything through stone, unless it is really, really, REALLY loud. I think this whole passage is pointless. The general purpose of this passage seems to be "This castle has thick walls." So we're left thinking "How stupid does she think we are? Of course castles have thick walls."

The dialogue completely kills the paragraph. How can we know that her mothers voice is steady if we can't hear the entire conversation? For words to be omitted (as an ellipse indicates) there must be a quiet conversation or one where some third noise is interrupting the protagonists hearing. Neither seems apparent. Give us the whole conversation.

This is an info-dump paragraph. It contributes nothing to the story, just background information that has nothing to do with anything.

I'll move this to Fantasy Fiction.

I crouched low to the stone floor. At the moment it felt more like ice, causing the cold to cut into my bare feet and drive up my leg.

Shivering, I pressed closer to the wall and tried to listen, but all I could hear was the murmur of voices. Castle walls are extremely thick; and so are their doors, I have learned from the past 13 years of living here.

Inching forward I pressed my ear to the crack between the door and door frame. I caught a few words.

“Calman, he’s…making decisions on his…he can do…” Mama’s steady voice came. Most people would think women should have soft, quiet voices, but Mama’s was hard and confident. She needed to be strong for the town, and keeping her voice was important in doing so, she had always said that.

“But you were out of bed too!” She whined, and I put a finger to her lips to quiet her. Looking back I swooped her up into my strong arms and started walking down the hallway.

Unlike our ancestors before us, we had an acceptionally small family. Calman- twenty five, Lilli- seventeen, me- thirteen, Nian- twelve, and Zinthia- five. Only five people. Mama was the sister of six boys and three girls, and Papa’s family was even larger. He had seven brothers and nine sisters.

=D

How is this for a better prologue? I hope it pleases you a little more Myth!

~~~~

_____I crouched low to the stone floor. At the moment it felt more like ice, causing the cold to cut into my bare feet and drive up my leg. Shivering, I pressed closer to the wall and tried to listen, but all I could hear was the murmur of voices. Castle walls are extremely thick; and so are their doors, I have learned from the past 13 years of living here. Inching forward I pressed my ear to the crack between the door and door frame. I caught a few words.

“Calman, he’s…making decisions on his…he can do…” Mama’s steady voice came. Most people would think women should have soft, quiet voices, but Mama’s was hard and confident. She needed to be strong for the town, and keeping her voice was important in doing so, she had always said that.

I guess being the queen effects the way you live and act a lot. And wanting to be king. I heard my brother say a few words but couldn't catch what they were. And then it was quiet.

Knowing something was wrong I moved backward a foot or so right before the door flew open. Mama’s tall, delicate frame walked out. It was hard to see in the dim light, but I could tell that her waist long blonde hair had been braided and wrapped up in a bun.

My brother came out next, his bolder figure looking awkward and clumsy besides Mama. I watched the two turn their backs on me and walk away, holding my breath. They hadn’t found me! They continued walking down the hallway, Mama’s silver dress just barely brushing the floor; Calman’s robes trailing behind him.

“Kohan?” I jumped and spun around to face the five year old girl behind me. My heart pounded against my rib cage and my skin itched from the sudden fright.

“Zinthia! What are you doing out of bed?” I hissed. Her brown curls bounced as she reached up to tug at my sleeve, her eyes accusing.

“But you were out of bed too!” She whined, and I put a finger to her lips to quiet her. Looking back I swooped her up into my strong arms and started walking down the hallway.

“I know, Zin. But that doesn’t mean you can too.” Her curls tickled my neck as she laid her head on my shoulder and yawned.

“Can I sleep with you tonight, Ko?” She murmured drowsily. I smiled and nodded, noticing the teddy bear she was clutching against her breast. It was worn from so many years of wear and tear. It had been mine before, and before that it had been Lilli’s-my seventeen year old sister. Zinthia was the cutest girl I had ever seen. Her cheeks were just red enough, her eyes the right shade of brown to melt your heart.

But she wasn’t cuter than Valeria. No one was. I closed my eyes and breathed in. The air had suddenly turned to glue at the thought of her. Which was why I mustn’t do that. Banishing the thoughts to the corners of my mind, I padded quietly past Lilli’s door.

Unlike our ancestors before us, we had an acceptionally small family. Calman- twenty five, Lilli- seventeen, me- thirteen, Nian- twelve, and Zinthia- five. Only five people. Mama was the sister of six boys and three girls, and Papa’s family was even larger. He had seven brothers and nine sisters.

I stopped abruptly, almost passing my room. I crept inside and slid Zinthia under the covers, before snaking in besides her. She hugged the bear tighter and smiled happily. I smiled too, and stared out the window. The stars were like diamonds, scattered across a black canvas. The moon glowed a transparent blue, and it comforted me to know it was just up there, laying down a path for Valeria, guiding her safely home. Wherever she thought that was.

Broken Wings wrote:Thank you, Myth. I always look forward to your comments. Seriously, I do. They help very much.

“Valeria!” She was standing only a few feet away from me. I could see her black silky hair and I reached out to stroke it. But the crowd of people passed between us and I had to jerk my hand away. “Valeria! Val!” I called, my voice growing into a loud shout and then a desperate whine. She wasn’t replying back. It was absolutely silent, and yet my head was buzzing angrily. Trying to shake the noise away, I shoved myself through the crowd, trying to follow the black head high above it. Because she was tall, like Mama and Papa.

I thrashed and twisted, but the water pulled me down like gravity.

I opened my mouth to scream, to yell for Papa and Mama. They would come and help me. But the water swelled into my lungs, and it started fading into black.

“Val…?” I murmured drowsily, blinking slowly. I opened my eyes completely.

“No, no, Honey. Mama can’t come right n-“

“She’s going to die!” At the word die every ounce of me woke up.

“What? Don’t say that Zinny. Mama is perfectly fine.” I wrapped my arms arounded the shaking body and kissed her nose.

Her eyes were red and swollen from crying so hard. She opened her mouth but I quieted her and looked out the window. The sun was just coming up over the mountains that were in the distance. “Come on.” I tickled her stomach and she squirmed away, but giggled none-the-less.

“You’re six, aren’t you a little too old for doing that?” I asked, and she shook her head vigourisly, the bear being whipped side to side along with her.

“Alright, alright.” I glanced around, then clasped my hand around her own and pushed through the door.

Knowing the routine she let out s quiet giggle, but nothing more.

Trying to push that away I punched the pillow a couple times before getting to my feet and grabbing the clothes the maid had lined up for me.

Papa had been king, and Mama was queen. After Papa died my brother tried to take the throne. But with Mama still alive he could not unless she died and left it for him. But she did not have to choose him, she could pick between the three oldest. That was Pa,Lilly; my older sister, and me. But she could not make that decision until she was dead. So for now, Pa took the throne.

My room overlooked the village, and already it was bustling with life. The sun was just above the mountains now. I couldn’t wait to get away from this dreaded castle.

“Why? Your mother hasn’t said you can go yet. Did she?” I shook my head and turned the corner, almost running into Lilli.

This is a piece of chapter one that I'm still working. I wrote it up really quickly, but critique to death if you want. No really, please do.

~~~~

Chapter One – Memories

“Valeria!” She was standing only a few feet away from me. I could see her black silky hair and I reached out to stroke it. But the crowd of people passed between us and I had to jerk my hand away. “Valeria! Val!” I called, my voice growing into a loud shout and then a desperate whine. She wasn’t replying back. It was absolutely silent, and yet my head was buzzing angrily. Trying to shake the noise away, I shoved myself through the crowd, trying to follow the black head high above it. Because she was tall, like Mama and Papa.

And suddenly she started to grow taller and taller, her body thinning out until it disappeared completely. Another whine escaped my throat and then I was engulfed in the crowd. But it wasn’t a crowd of people anymore. They had all turned into water, into a vast, blue valley. I thrashed and twisted, but the water pulled me down like gravity.

I opened my mouth to scream, to yell for Papa and Mama. They would come and help me. But the water swelled into my lungs, and it started fading into black.

“Ko!” A voice screamed. One filled with tears and fear. Turning over onto my back I opened my eyes slightly.

“Val…?” I murmured drowsily, blinking slowly. I opened my eyes completely. Zinthia was curled up at the end of the bed, her small body rocking back and forth, her head buried in her arms. Sitting up I tugged on one of her curls. “Zin? Zin, what’s wrong?” I asked. My voice sounded heavy and muffled, like I had a pillow over my face.

“M-Mama…” She sobbed, clutching my arm with both hands. I looked around and found that Teddy had been dropped onto the floor.

“No, no, Honey. Mama can’t come right n-“

“She’s going to die!” At the word die every ounce of me woke up.

“What? Don’t say that Zinny. Mama is perfectly fine.” I wrapped my arms arounded the shaking body and kissed her nose. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying so hard. She opened her mouth but I quieted her and looked out the window. The sun was just coming up over the mountains that were in the distance. “Come on.” I tickled her stomach and she squirmed away, but giggled none-the-less.

Smiling I slipped onto the cold wooden floor and pulled her out of the bed. She grabbed the bear and started sucking on his ear; one of her baby habits that she hadn’t gotten out of.

“You’re six, aren’t you a little too old for doing that?” I asked, and she shook her head vigourisly, the bear being whipped side to side along with her. “Alright, alright.” I glanced around, then clasped my hand around her own and pushed through the door. Checking that the hallway was clear I jogged down the hallway, her feet scurrying besides me. At the stairs I lifted her up and placed her on the railing, jumping in behind her, and pushed off.

Knowing the routine she let out s quiet giggle, but nothing more. If Pa found us we would be dead, he told us before that he wouldn’t tolerate us ruining the things that cost money. Papa had always let us slide down the railings. Sometimes he even joined in.

Grinning I steered Zinthia with me, leaning to the right at a curve and just before the railing ended I picked Zinthia up yet again and slid cleanly off, landing on my feet before tumbling backwards. We both fell to the ground laughing, but a small cough made me freeze up immediately.

“Didn’t we already discuss this? You aren’t allowed to do that without me!” I sat up and sighed in relief at the sight of my friend.

“Sanji!” Zinthia screeched with joy, leaping to her feet and hugging him. He put a hand on her shoulder and smiled at me.

“I came over to visit. Heard you had some mighty good food over here.” He eyed me, his eyebrows arching upwards. “Nice outfit.” He commented, and I looked down. I still had my brown sleeping pants on, with a messy white shirt. I had forgotten to change.

“Oh, I’d better go change before-“

“Planning to eat breakfast looking like a peasant?” I nearly bit my tongue off. Turning my head slightly I tried not to show my fear.

“No, I just forgot to change.” I said stiffly, narrowing my eyes. Pa’s hair was blonde, like Mama’s. It had been combed back cleanly. The sight of it made me want to rip it all out. He opened his mouth but before he could say anything I twisted sharply and leaped up the stairs two at a time. Dropping onto my bed I buried my face in the sheets and screamed.

I screamed until my throat hurt, and then I sat up and felt like a little girl. Trying to push that away I punched the pillow a couple times before getting to my feet and grabbing the clothes the maid had lined up for me. Papa had been king, and Mama was queen. After Papa died my brother tried to take the throne. But with Mama still alive he could not unless she died and left it for him. But she did not have to choose him, she could pick between the three oldest. That was Pa,Lilly; my older sister, and me. But she could not make that decision until she was dead. So for now, Pa took the throne.

His name was not Pa. It was Cilmon. But he insisted we call him Papa.

We all call him Pa.

“Kohan?” Sanji peeked into my room and then walked in uncertainly. “Your mother told me to get you. Breakfast is waiting.” I didn’t even look at him. Pulling my pants up my legs I stared outside. My room overlooked the village, and already it was bustling with life. The sun was just above the mountains now. I couldn’t wait to get away from this dreaded castle.

“When are you planning on leaving?” I asked, buttoning my shirt up.

“Oh, er, but your mother hasn’t…said…”

“When are you leaving?” I repeated, turning to look at him. He shrugged. Sighing I brushed past him and into the hallway. He kept pace with me.

“Why? Your mother hasn’t said you can go yet. Did she?” I shook my head and turned the corner, almost running into Lilli. She was the exact image of Mama, except she had bangs that hid her forehead. Her mouth was hidden behind her hand as it opened wide to yawn, and one of her closed eyes opened to look at me.

“Oh, Ko. You’re still going on about that traveling idea?” She rolled her eyes and I ignored her.

Thank you, Myth. I always look forward to your comments. Seriously, I do. They help very much.

Green = Comment/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

I crouched low to the ground, my back brushing against the wall. I forced myself to breathe, stay calm, and concentrate. Straining my ears I inched closer, but all I could hear was the murmur of voices. The large wooden door was only a foot or so to my right. Swallowing I crept closer and pressed my ear at the crack between the door and the wall. Even then I could barely catch what they were saying.

I narrowed my eyes and my upper lip curled up angrily at my brother. After Papa died, he had made himself comfortable in his position. But I refused to call him Papa. No, Pa was the most I would ever say. Papa had been tall like my mother, but not delicate. He had been strong.

"Kohan?" A small voice behind me made me jump out of my skin.

Zin curled her arms around my neck and it comforted me, to know that she looked up to me.

It was a clear night, stars shining in the sky like diamonds that were scattered across a black canvas. I fell asleep that night watching the winter moon.

Dargquon Ql'deleodna wrote:Nice job. Although I cant exactly tell what this is about or where its going (leaves me to think, I have a thought but due to the area of the post I'm probably wrong); or really What the characters are like. But maybe thats just due to the large amounts of caffeine i just had.

Didn't notice anything wrong, and what he said said.

Nice job. Although I cant exactly tell what this is about or where its going (leaves me to think, I have a thought but due to the area of the post I'm probably wrong); or really What the characters are like. But maybe thats just due to the large amounts of caffeine i just had.

Didn't notice anything wrong, and what he said said.

Thank you ^-^

Not much now... >.> I'm still working on it. I'll add more soon, though, so check back!

Well so far its pretty good. I was pleasantly surprised. There's not much I can say on what there is here except that its excellently written considering your age, with no typos that I could see.

Well done.